Not Penny's Boat. - Life goes on...

What I feared would happen, happened. He can't stay in Quebec forever. It's not for him. His mother also agrees on this fact and I completely understand. And after the decision was taken, a change of his mind would confuse me once again. He says he could do it, for me. But I alone can't do this. I cannot bring him to Utopia alone. I once was strong enough, but I am not anymore.

What he honestly need to do, is go where he blong. To Nova Scotia. To his family. To a future where no ''French Canadians'' would complicate his life. He needs to focus on school and here, with me... I know he won't do that.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done. To love someone and let him go, though knowing that he will be there for me whenever I need him, and vice versa.

Quebec is not for him, and it's the place I plan on living the rest of my life in. My boss wants to send me to University in 3 years, so that I can have my diploma in Accounting and be recognised for what I do. And, I don't want to change jobs. This is the best thing that happened to me. It gave me a name, it gave me a car of the year, it gave me financial security... And I don't want to quit. Because I don't want to start from scratch again.

Mind you, I've thought about this for hours and hours, until my head started to hurt and eyes couldn't focus from crying. But i'm not the romantic type. I don't believe in fairy tales and I don't believe that love can make the whole world different. I do love, with all my heart, and give myself fully... But to an extent. I,ve lost jobs before, through love. I've lost friends and I,ve lost the ones I 'loved'.

I love Brandon, with all I,ve got, and he knows this. But I don't want to put my carreer, family and future in Jeopardy. I know he wants to change his mind because this doesn't make sence. But once he gets here, and faces the facts... We're not in Montreal. Not everyone speak english here. And most French Canadians don't like people who don't speak french. I don't mind, because I do speak english and I sincerely don't care if one can't speak it. But to be able to have a good job here, you need both languages, fluently.

Do I want Brandon to be working nightshifts in a backstore because he can't communicate with people ? Do I want him to work, come home feeling miserable for weeks and weeks, because this is what is going to happen, I know. It happened to my friend's father. He married a girl who couldn't speak french and... Two weeks after her comming here, she went away again.

So, like I've told Brandon. I would rather hurt now, and keep him as my friend, and keep on loving him because I can't stop doing this... Or do I want him to come here, and risk a depression and hurt even more to see him go away.

My answer is pretty obvious. I want to hurt now, and be healed later. Because I'm stronger than that. I won't let myself down. And I'm not going to worry him in letting myself go sicker than I already am.

Who knows, maybe later on in life our paths will cross again.

But for now, I will walk it alone. For a very long time.