:D



Visit my facebook album to see more XD

Mmk so I haven't posted in a while; busyness. Although Shi posted a meme and I -have- to do it apparenlty >_> So consider this my official "I'm alive" post. I'll also have to post this in her comments as well >__>

So anywho. If you want to do this, reply in comments  with a copy pasted version and answer them o_o.


WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF:
» I committed suicide:
» I said I liked you:
» I kissed you:
» I lived next door to you:
» I started smoking:
» I stole something:
» I was hospitalized:
» I ran away from home:
» I got into a fight and you weren't there:

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:

» Personality:
» Eyes:
» Face:
» Hair:
» Clothes:
» Mannerisms:
» Family:


[1] Who are you?
[2] Are we friends?
[3] When and how did we meet?
[4] How have I affected you?
[5] What do you think of me?
[6] What's the fondest memory you have of me?
[7] How long do you think we'll remain friends or enemies?
[8] Do you love me?
[9] Have I ever hurt you?
[10] Would you hug me?
[11] Would you kiss me?
[12] Would you have sex with me?
[13] Are we close?
[14] Emotionally, what stands out?
[15] Do you wish I was cooler?
[16] On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
[17] Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
[18] Am I loveable?
[19] How long have you known me?
[20] Describe me in one word.
[21] What was your first impression?
[22] Do you still think that way about me now?
[23] What do you think my weakness is?
[24] Do you think I'll get married?
[25] What about me makes you happy?
[26] What about me makes you sad?
[27] What reminds you of me?
[28] What's something you would change about me?
[29] How well do you know me?
[30] Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
[31] Do you think I would kill someone?
[32] Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?

You looked to me in the eyes and lied, pretended to be honest. I knew the truth, never said anything, just to see if your words were real...

You're such a liar. I hope you change your fucking attitude.

In other news, I'm still head over heels in love. :D

Aaron is failing at ChopStick Techniques xD


I'm not though :3 Buwa ha ha ha !


I like this shot :3


Zomg >_< lmao

More Pictures on my Facebook :D
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=680190507

Well, almost done with Season 3 of LOST. IT"S DRIVING ME INSANE O_O.

Today is a beautiful day and Doris, one of my mom's friend, is going to pick me up and go to her place together around noon and we're going to plant a tree  for my mom. She already had planted one for my sister and another for her friends, so she'll have three tree now. I'll take some pics and I'll post them here possibly.

This weekend is mother's day. It honestly sucks.

I've been planting flowers and taking care of new plants and our old... Mom used to do that and hopefully, my flowers are gonna bloom for her for the first time this year. I definately don't have a green thumb, so we'll see what happens ^^

Aaron spends more time than I do in the bathroom. -__-; Lol.

Today; More PT + LOST maybe ? We're at the 3rd Disk of season 2 o_o; WOOT.

:D



Frame in the middle says my name and Aaron's chinese name :D While the two on each side mean Love And Serenity ^^

So, I've been so busy with starting a new chapter... xD I didn't post in a while. Sorry !!

We've been busy with remodeling mom's room into a computer room. Mom's bed is going to one of my uncle and most of her stuff to one of my aunt. We gave ELEVEN (That's right, 11 !!) garbage bags of clothes to the poor. I kept some and gave some to my family too. It was difficult to get rid of all the clothes and coats and shoes and whatnot, but knowing that it will help others in need makes me smile. And I'm sure it made mom smile as well. But yeah... We bought two new computer desk, a new Futon, set it all up together (omg how many screws did we actually screw. And No pun intented) Got new frames, set up my plants differently... We have an almost finished computer room now :D Which is also our movies room since the sound system on my computer is much better than on the TV in the living room xD

Her are some pictures to those i promised I'd post xD (Sorry for the delay)


 (Aaron's Desk and our movie/Games Rack (Which is a continuation of the one in the living room e_e ) He lacks something on the wall so we're going shopping for that :3 )


(My computer corner and our Buddah Shrine xD !! The frames on the wall mean "Love" and "Serenity" And yes I'm aware that my bamboos have a lot of leaves e_e ) (Can you spot how many pandas there are on my desk alone ? xD)



(That's our new Futon and Mom's fan on our wall. Think the pandas look alike ? They are the same ! Odd thing is that one's mine and one's Aaron, and neither of us new we had the same panda O.O Coincidence ? Not according to Rubi ; ) )

Well, no, I don't have pictures of us yet, but i will once we get his new glasses xD !! AND we still need to go and buy something fr the wall lacking decorations. Last time we went to a flea market  and yes, it was an asian shop. The ladies there spoke Mandarin so Aaron spoke with them and they gave us free stuff. LOL. Yay, connections ! He's my mandarin translator, and I'm his french translator. Although I must admit that he learns really quickly !! Sometimes I don't even have to tell him what people just said, he figures it on his own. Kudos to my super panda !

Anywho.

Oh yeah, aside from that, we've been starting to watch LOST. We're at episode um...10 or something. It's good O.O

Btw. Gas is too fucking expensive these days. 1.29 a Liter ?! WTF. 

It's funny sad how people can, in your hardest times, take a knife and stab you in the back instead of just Live and Let live. You try you hardest to get rid of all the negativity in your life and suddenly, it comes back at you ten times even worse. But should I really call this "worse" ? Or should I call someone that lowers another just to prove to themselves that they might have a purpose in life, a downcast ? A low spirited, miserable soul. Someone who still didn't understand what it's like to truly hurt, to truly live, or even to truly love. I figured... when you have nothing good to say anymore, you attack someone in particular. No ? Well, seems like that's how it works with some people.

Don't get me wrong. I feel no hatred towards anyone who could ever bring me down. Who could ever bring me down, only to cheer themselves up, also. The only feeling I could get out of this is sadness. Or more like disappointed that there is always some people in this world that won't ever let go of their problems while at the same time, try to get some kind of attention from the wrong people, by hurting others. And believe me, it works ! Sad thing, but it really does work. They do get some kind of attention, even if it is a remote, from afar, placed on the web, attention. But then again, we all know that we get most attention from people when things are said publicly on the web. Guilty as charged.

I don't need people to tell me if I'm doing the right things or not. I don't need them, because I know I already am doing the right things. If I wouldn't be, I wouldn't be able to live by myself (Although Aaron is coming home to me tomorrow !!) to pay for everything by myself, to afford food, to afford a roof, a car, to be able to get out where I want, whenever I want... But most of all, to be happy despite all the death scenes that happen around me. To have more people that love me, than miserable souls that hate me. To understand what life really is about. To live well, in a healthy body. But we all, through these thoughts, like it when a smirk comes to our lips. There is no denying in this. And we all deserve a time where we can actually smirk. Where is my smirk ? My smirk, is in these words. The fact that the person who stabbed my heart, again, will read these words even though he/she/it said they wouldn't want to hear from me ever again. Because I know them more than they know themselves. People who take others for granted are all alike. And that is why I want to get rid of them from my life.

I only need a few people around me that love me. And I chose those people to be positive in thoughts, to be helpful, and never to take advantage of me as I would never take advantage of them. If they still go at it, and if they still try to lower everyone around them just to make them feel better about their own lives, then so be it. I don't need unenthusiastic, abrogating people in my life. I've been through so many rough times... There is nothing worse that could ever happen to me. And I had plenty or resourceful, cleaver, ingenious positive and loving people around me through all these times. But there will always be people in this lifetime and after, that will step in your way. Because they did it so many times, why not again, and again... Heh. What I need to work on, is to realize that this world will never be perfect, and that there will always be people around you that will look at you in the most deceptive ways and make you believe things you shouldn't bother explaining. Because deep down, who do you have to prove yourself to ? That's right. Yourself, yourself only.

Tomorrow comes a new chapter in my life. I can't hardy wait :)

Ni si woa da ching ai. Wo ai ni,  my luckiest panda <3

Family first.

Yesterday, March 3rd 2008 at 12:05pm, my mother, confident and best friend, passed away. There is a side of me that would never replace how she passed, and another that wished the images in my head would erase themselves. It's scary, to see someone die. To look into someone's eyes, which they had not opened in three days due to a semi-coma, but not only do you love this person, but she is also your mother, the reason you're alive, the reason why you're still standing, because from beginning to end, she was there for you whenever you needed it.

I remember the last thing she told me while she was still lucid, while she was still aware of what she was saying... Because cancer, and of course the medication, but mostly the cancer, makes someone very confused about his or her environment. And I had kept mother home with me, hoping for her to end her days here, where she loved to be... But we had to bring her to the hospital because her calcium in her blood was much too high and could cause even more pain. So I did. But before the ambulance got home, the members of my family that I adore were here with me, witnessing the last moment my mother would be home, the place she loved. And i sat on her bed, holding a wet cloth to clean her face a little... And out of her confusion, she grabbed the cloth and looked at me, raising her hands towards my face because I was silently crying. It took all of her strength to raise her arms. They would fall back down on her like heavy logs, but she would try again and raise her hands toward my face... And she wiped my eyes saying "Don't cry"... Needless to say that I cried even more, and so did my whole family. To them, it was something beautiful to see. A mother and her Daughter, trying to comfort each other through death. Through something they had gone through together before, but this time, it was involving a mother....

We went to the hospital, they gave her the right meds to ease as much pain as possible, and she slept. From saturday morning through monday morning, she slept. Yet I am sure that she was listening and feeling us give her hugs, hold her hand, speak to her... And I did spend saturday night with her, alone, at the hospital. I told her what I had to tell her, what you would tell anyone who would be dyeing in front of you. I am sure she heard me because she would randomly squeeze my hand with the little strength that was left in her.... She was so frail, so tiny... Skeleton like. Nothing she had ever looked like, and nothing anyone should look like. Cancer changes someone and to me, it is one of the worse disease on earth.

On sunday, my cousin and I went to sleep home. I had a warm bath, and I was praying to my grand mother and sister to just come and take mom. Stop her suffering. Stop her instability. Her state. My mother was someone who would never stop moving, who did things by herself, always. And now, to be in a bed, in a semi-coma, to be washed by people you don't know, to not be fed nor being able to drink anything because "At this point, it doesn't even matter" (Quote by my doctor) I am sure that she was so frustrated inside... So I prayed. And I talked to them, angry that they wouldn't take her, that they wouldn't stop her suffering, and I cried, I cried a lot...

That night, I slept like a log. The first time in the longest while.

The next morning, my cousin and I returned to the hospital. My mother had said goodbye to everyone, or well, everyone had said goodbye to her, at the hospital, because we knew it was a matter of time. But there was one person still missing. And at around 11:30, he showed up. Her ex boyfriend. One of her best friend. Raymond. The most generous person on earth. He looked at her, and for the first time, I saw him cry. He gave her three kisses on her forehead and sat on a chair facing the bed she laid on. Then she started to have trouble breathing. So I took her hand "It's okay mom, I'll call a nurse" I said. Because usually, when her breath started to gain intensity, it was a sign of pain. So I called her for a dose of her med... But her breathing wouldn't stop. And it was more intense. At every deep breath she took, her eyes started to open.

At this moment, I knew. Both my cousin and I knew.

I held her hand, brought it to my cheek, placed my other hand on her chest, and talked to her. "It's okay mom. Don't be afraid. It's the last thing you need to do. It's beautiful on the other side. Go take your mother's hand and let her show you the way mom... I love you, and I know you love me too, with all of your heart, so don't be afraid mom, I'm here with you until you want to join Marie-Claude. (My little sister) She needs you, too." And everytime I would take a pause in my sentence, I could feel her heart race in her chest. And when I started talking again, her heart beat slowed down, and so did her deep breaths. Less and less she tried to take in air. And the whole time, she looked into my eyes, and tears ran down her cheeks. My aunt would dry them for her with a small tissue. And as I held her hand to my face, I realized I wasn't crying at all. To this moment, I have absolutely NO idea how I did not cry, and how i stayed strong for mom. I looked at her and gave her the most loving smile. "Look mom, I'm not crying anymore, you can go. We'll still have each other." And her heart beat slowed down, and her pupils dilated, and her breaths stopped... Her heart gave one last beat and my mother was gone.

The moment I couldn't feel her soul here with us in her body anymore, I burst in tears. The most painful feeling ever. That was it. There is nothing else in this world that will pain me even more. I loved my mother, with all my heart, and she was there for me all my life... I returned the favor, simply as that, because I love her dearly. I guided her to the other side, or so I like to think...

I closed her eyes, Told her goodbye and cried again. To lose someone you love greatly is something... To witness their death, and know that you're the last person they saw, because they loved you just as much, is as painful as it is comforting. It's a scary feeling. Very scary. But at the same time, I wouldn't have changed a thing. Because what my cousin and I went through together, is another thing that strengthens the bond we have, like sisters. And I know that with her last breath, mom wasn't scared anymore.

It only took 5 minutes, from the time she had trouble to breathe, to the time she passed away... But it seemed like 50 hours. The longest moment of my entire life.

I love you mom. Take care of your daughter and mother. I will see you again someday, and we'll be together again.

On s'a <3

I don't think mom will last much longer...

Your Score: Big Bird

You scored 72% Organization, 80% abstract, and 61% extroverted!

This test measured 3 variables.

First, this test measured how organized you are. Some muppets like Cookie Monster make big messes, while others like Bert are quite anal about things being clean.

Second, this test measured if you prefer a concrete or an abstract viewpoint. For the purposes of this test, concrete people are considered to gravitate more to mathematical and logical approaches, whereas abstract people are more the dreamers and artistic type.

Third, this test measured if you are more of an introvert or an extrovert. By definition, an introvert concentrates more on herself and an extrovert focuses more on others. In this test an introvert was somebody that either tends to spend more time alone or thinks more about herself.

You are very organized, more abstract, and both introverted and extroverted.

Here is why are you Big Bird.

You are both very organized. You almost always know where your belongings are and you prefer things neat. You may even enjoy cleaning and find it therapeutic. Big Bird is never sloppy and always under control... pretty good for a 6 year old bird living without a family.

You both are abstract thinkers. Big Bird is a dreamer who always wonders what the world is like. You definitely are not afraid to take chances in life. You only live once. You may notice others around you playing it safe, but you are more concerned with not compromising your desires, and getting everything you can out of life. This is a very romantic approach to life, but hopefully you are also grounded enough to get by.

You are both somewhat extroverted. Like Big Bird, you probably like to have some time to yourself, but you do appreciate spending time with your friends, and you aren't scared of social situations. Big Bird is always very comfortable around others, but he often prefers the quiet low-key presence that Snuffleupagus provides.

The other possible characters are
Oscar the Grouch
Bert
Snuffleupagus
Ernie
Elmo
Kermit the Frog
Grover
Cookie Monster
Guy Smiley
The Count

Hey, don't be a grouch! If you liked the test, let others know by rating it below. Feel free to vote for your favorite character too.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 80% on Organization

You scored higher than 98% on concrete-abstra

You scored higher than 43% on intro-extrovert

BTW. One month until i can hold my love again <3

I stole this from Kev's Journal :3 Buwa ha ha ha !

Aside from all the bullshit, this is pretty funny.



LOL. Ew.

I feel utterly depressed.

I'm in love with this family.

http://health.discovery.com/beyond/?dcitc=w38-503-ag-0000&videoRef=f0a51d5cf1e01d19b41efcf55c28ec3633b29b61

I have no clue where I get my strength from. Many persons told me at several times "You're strong" or "I wish I could be strong like you" and quite frankly, I never really understood how they could see me as a strong person. I only see me as me and nothing else, really. But looking back now, I can see what they meant. Some people crashed before me already, and for way less than I have done. They complained, cried and fled, and I still stood there. I don't think of myself as a better person than most people. Far from it. I'm very modest and wouldn't put myself up on a pedestal, yet I know my strength is... Stronger than most, I guess.

Ever since last November, I've stood by my mother's side, going to Hospitals with her, trying to fin out what she has. Everyday I've seen her hurt, she couldn't sleep, started loosing her appetite, loosing weight... Everyday she would still go to work, out of breath, and when she would come back home, she would have to sit down after walking up 3 floors to our apartment, only to take her breath. I've seen her treated for the wrong things, taking meds that wasn't for her, bleed because of them, X-rays that showed nothing, Brain Scans that also showed nothing... I went through this with her. But the hardest part was yet to come.

When I came back from a weekend spent at my father's with Aaron, mother asked me to sit on the couch with her. She had gone to another hospital with my uncles. They found something. A spot, a large one, on her left lung. It was cancer. I broke down in tears, she told me not to worry, that she would go through Chemo possibly and get it treated, that she couldn't leave me here alone anyways. I went to my room, cried on Aaron's shoulder, told him I was sorry because I wanted him to have a great time here, not a morbid one... But Aaron, I swear, is an angel sent to me. Why ? I've no clue. But I am never going to let him go, that I know for sure. He told me that as long as he is with me, with us, he's happy. Sometimes I looked into his eyes and could see how much strength he also has. I've never met anyone that mature and down to earth, yet slly and full of energy as he is. I am truly, the luckiest.

We went with mom to the hospital for biopsies, for tests, for her results... The doctor was an ass. He told me her cancer was treatable. She would go through Chemo and Radiotherapy, that her cancer wasn't the most dangerous one. I was happy, relieved. I told him to sign some papers for our unemployment, because obviously I've stopped working to be with mom 24/7. And when I was at home, I read the papers he filled. One of the question was "Will the patient be able to go back to work after the treatments" His answer was "No." Then, to "If no, explain" he wrote "She is going to die." Needless to say, my heart turned backwards in my chest, but then I figured, hey, maybe he wrote this because he wants us to get money while we can't work. So, I tried to shrug it off.

Everyday, mom was still in pain. They had stopped her meds, only for her Morphine patches, saying that the meds wouldn't work anymore and to come back in two weeks to see her Oncologist. But mom lost the will the eat. She wasn't hungry anymore. She started sleeping more and more, she still was hurt, everywhere. Her chest, her back, her face... She couldn't walk anymore; her legs always gave in. She couldn't go poop for days and her belly started to ache. My aunt came home to give me a hand and so that I could spend more time with Aaron, doing other things than just stay home... But money was slowly going down as well. So the only thing we did outside was go to a restaurant. My aunt helped showering mom and that was basically it. I still did everything else. But I did not complain.

We were about 5 days to her next appointment with the doctor, but it was ridiculous. She still couldn't go to the bathroom and was in pain. We even gave her a fleet, and it didn't help. Mom was still in pain. So I called the ambulance. Even though mom didn't wanna go to the hospital, she was in too much pain to just let it pass, and she hadn't gone poop in about 2 weeks. Something I didn't know. Mom told me she had went, and told my aunt she hadn't. So which version to believe, I didn't take any chances. And I'm glad I didn't. We went to the hospital for them to give her the fleet treatment. But they found out that her calcium in her blood was much too high, so they put an IV in her arm and started treatments. She also was dehydrated, something that amazed me because all she did at home was drink water and Pineapple juice. She still was, though. So they kept her the night, and another, and another... We stayed there for a week. During that week, lots of things happened...

My mother saw her Oncologist. He told her she was too weak to have any treatments. She only weighted 76lbs. There was no way that she could go through it and come back alive. The cancer had spread in her bones already and the tumor had blocked the way to her left lung, stopping air from going through. They gave her less than six months, but the doctor took me to another room and told me that in her current state, she would have less than 2 weeks. The things that can go through one's mind when being told that your mother is going to die in such a short period of time...

That night, the aunt that stayed home to help out, burst a joint. She went completely mad. She told everyone that I was the one who didn't want to take mom in the hospital (When she was the one to tell me that she wanted her sister to die at home, not an hospital...) that I didn't help around the house (When i was the one doing everything. Food, cleaning, shopping, etc) that all I did was stay in my room, laughing with Aaron, as if I didn't care (When the sole purpose of her being home was to give me a break so that I could spend more time with Aaron...) And spread rumors like these in my family. Needless to say, I was pissed as hell. I didn't need anything of the sort. Not from a coke sniffing whore. Not at this particular time.

Stress can cause blood sugar to raise a little. And when the normal range is supposed to be from 4 to 7, mine, that night, was at 16. Only from being so pissed at everything. But then again, Aaron was there to calm me down. How can I ever thank him enough for being there, I have no clue. He has a way to calm me down and I still don't know how he does it. <3

So yeah... At the hospital, mom had many visitors. Too many of them. She couldn't sleep much, but amazingly, was gaining strength. She started walking again, to go, by herself, to the bathroom. She ate more and more and the pain killers they were giving her worked efficiently.

She had her holiday from the hospital the same day I brought Aaron to the airport. He promised to come back soon, and I know he will. I can't wait until he does, but right now isn't the time...

We're home now. She has a hospital bed in the living room, she walks around the house, she eats like there is no tomorrow, she even gained 8 lbs. She is, though, going to die. But the 2 weeks changed back to a "less than 6 months" and who knows, It might even be more than this. I stay home with her. The nurse tougth me how to give her the shots she needs, i take care of all her meds, I do everything and I don't complain. I love my mother, with all I have. And it is the hardest thing to do, to watch someone and know that soon, they won't be there anymore.  To take care of them and try not to cry because deep down, you're pissed at life. Pissed off that they are taking away your best friend. Someone who not once ever hurt anyone. Someone who gave her life for her kids, who lost a daughter already, who went through so much, why give more pain ?

I think what makes mom ready for death, is the fact that she'll be with my sister soon. My sister and grandmother both. She says that the only thing she is sad for, is leaving me against her will. Missing all the small things. My wedding... My children... The small things that makes us laugh. And as I write these words, my heart aches, but I'm still not letting the tears slide down my cheeks. I try not to, anyways.

I try so hard to make people understand that the smallest of things can mean the world to one's eyes. Your family, your friends... Material is nothing. Throwing a fit because you broke your nail or you have to plow your driveway is so pointless. Most people get mad at the simplest of things. I wish people would take a pleasure to just see and realize things as I see them. I wish most people would see through my eyes.

Life is too short to be pissed off all the time.

Enjoy it, and the people around you. And even in hard and sad times, keep a smile on for yourself, and for others.

That's really all that matters.

My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. so for a while, i won't be posting on here, or at least I don't think i will. Annja, I uploaded some pics for you on MySpace <3 And I gave leadership of iNAN to Dav, so you can ally with us.

There is too much on my hands right now. I'm just thankful Aaron is there for me, like the Panda Angel that he is <3

Sorry Annja, I know I promised pictures but it kind of slipped my mind last night :3 Mee hee hee. I'll try to think of it tonight, though I'm not sure, we might play some GW anyways since the wintersday things are here. (Are they ?.. xD)

Neways.

MY LAST DAY OF WORK. FINALLY. Then I'll be able to enjoy my days with Aaron :3 YAAAY !! And I HAVE to find a copy of POcket Fighter D: !!! Mine is BROKEN. ;___; /heartbreak

Today : Visit for a full physical with the doctor. GAH.

But then full time sweety time YAAY. <3

Râpé !!

D: uh huh. So wish I could stay with my sweety. EERRGGHH One more day and I will be able to do that ;___; Tomorrow I have my doc's appointment at 11 so i gotta leave at 10:30. then I can go eat home... But I think Imma have to go back to work >__< I have to make a story up or something D: lmao.Cuz I wanna go shoppin' with Aaron, especially for his boots, silly panda. His are too small for him Rofl xD

Speaking of Silly panda, I should call him Humping Panda instead O.O Jeeeeez. We watched a movie last night but I have basically no idea what it was about... I was erm.. Distracted. >__>;

In other news, I found ym old Router so we should be able to connect the internet on his laptop too. I just have to figure out how to work it >__>; dum dee dum....